Reflections 2021: All I Want to Do is Try and Find Myself

Usually when I get to the end of the year and reflect on it, I feel somewhat depressed. This is often because I look back and feel like I didn’t really accomplish much. Living in apartment spaces didn’t help. Something about living in a place you know is temporary–especially when you begin longing for something more permanent–has an effect on the psyche that takes its toll after a while.

Well, as 2021 came to a close, I can honestly say I didn’t feel depressed like I usually do at this time of year. Why? Because this was a full year. The big thing was we bought a house. Literally the first thing we did in 2021 was check out the house that I now type this in. The same day we put in an offer and the next day we found our offer was accepted. So began the year.

The rest of it revolved around this house. The house looked great before closing. After closing, it turned out to be in great need of love, which would require a lot of time, money, and work. Kind of like a marriage, actually. For the first few months of dealing with questionable contractors, faulty appliances, and a host of problems that needed fixing, this home felt like a nightmarish money pit. Eventually the initial dust settled and while there is still plenty to do, it feels more manageable. Also like a marriage.

But becoming a homeowner wasn’t the only milestone from this year. I also self-published my third book, The Boyd Bafflers, Vol. 1. Getting the book published allowed me to take part in a local author fair and meet some other area authors. I also reconsidered how/when I wrote so I could up my productivity. Did I get as much done as I wanted? No. But, with everything else happening this year, it felt like a good laying down of stepping stones for the future.

Beyond these externals of home life and career chasing, I worked through some spiritual life as well. Sometimes, if you want to get a jolt in every aspect of your life, you drastically change the scenery. Buying a home changed the scenery and helped me have some perspective I had been missing. We also switched churches and that also gave me a new angle. What it all pushed me toward was learning to embrace the fact that I’m an adult.

That kinda sounds childish or like a common millennial. Yes, I knew I was an adult and did my best to be a responsible one. But, again, living in temporary spaces for so long dampened some of my growth into fully being an adult. Part of 2021 turned out to be a re-awakening and trying to find myself in the midst of everyday, mundane life. John Denver’s song “Come and Let Me Look in Your Eyes” is a sort of encapsulation of what I felt.

In the wider world, 2021 is considered something of a “dud year”. Sure, better than 2020, but only marginally so. I don’t know if I would say that 2021 was a good year, but it was a full year. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Life felt like it was happening last year, like it was growing. There were plenty of growing pains in all that but it felt nice to have something happening.

With the mad rush that was 2021, I don’t know what 2022 will hold. Certainly there will be more home problems and projects that must be tackled, and I will further verify that I’m not a handyman. Otherwise, our kids will hopefully keep growing healthy and strong; my wife and I will learn better how to work together; God will continue to pull at my heart in the direction He wants me in. We plan on traveling some again, so that will provide new experiences. I hope to continue writing and publish another book. I keep toying with a couple podcast ideas.

There may not be as drastic a change in scenery like buying a house, but I hope to build on what I learned in 2021 so that 2022 will not just be a full year but a good one as well.