Both Ways, Miserable

“And sometimes working within me You open for me a door into a state of feeling which is quite unlike anything to which I am used–a kind of sweet delight which,if I could only remain permanently in that state, would be something not of this world,not of this life. But my sad weight makes me fall back again;I am swallowed up by normality;I am held fast and heavily do I weep,but heavily I am held. So much are we weighed down by the burden of custom! Here I have the power but not the wish to stay;there I wish to be but cannot;both ways, miserable.”-Augustine

This past weekend was better than most. I was able to spend it with 2 dear friends that I haven’t seen in a while and also see my home church down in Louisville which i also haven’t seen in a while. It was a good weekend, something I haven’t had in a while. Usually I’m just holed-up in my house for the weekend knocking out homework. It was refreshing to get a breath of fresh air.

But as I noted to my 2 aforementioned friends during a pleasure walk Sunday, while I feel I can be content with being either here or there, I am not satisfied. Here, I’m stuck in a cage of high school memories. I feel like i can’t grow. There I reel at “Boyce culture” and feel unsettled (not quite sure how to elaborate on that). Like Augustine, “both ways, miserable.”

Granted, that’s not what the Christian thinker is talking about. He’s alluding to a “mountaintop experience” (as we would term it) and how blissful it is compared to our meager earthly existence. I guess i had something of that this past weekend. Stretching my faith, being reminded of Christ’s sacrifice, having meaningful conversations with friends…and then back to work the day after. What cruelty! My heart “heavily weeps” to be with friends and yet I’m cornered in the local Wendy’s bending over a computer screen taking orders. “So much are we weighed down by the burden of custom!”

So in 2 ways I am “both ways,miserable.” What do i want you to do about it? nothing i suppose. I was just sharing thoughts. Maybe i’m just feeling worn and in need of a vacation. Maybe I should just go to bed now..

oh,don’t forget that songwriting competition:


One thought on “Both Ways, Miserable

  1. I think I get what you mean, though in a different way considering my situation (staying in the area for school, always living at home, still going to Calvary) is different than yours. I’m glad you got to have a nice weekend for a change. We’ll have to pull you away from the Wendy’s/homework cycle here soon. Breaks are healthy. We’ll do that freakazoid marathon with Lizz & Matt & Rosa or something. 🙂

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