Here in Northern KY, white death is upon us! A great winter storm of titanic proportions has invaded and all shall perish in snowy pestilence! This usually happens once a year. Whenever it does happen, local news stations go hay-wire trying to cover the event. I will now spend the next few minutes (or hour) trying to give a typical news broadcast during one of these storms. It’s rather lengthy, but I’ve incorporated a commercial break to ease the reading.
*Important, serious, yet flashy music interrupts your viewing of “The Young and the Desperate.”*
DANNY: Good evening, Danny Iwood Ratherdothis and Beatrice Huggbees here with important breaking news on the current weather situation.
BEATRICE: We’re sorry to interrupt your viewing, but Jack is just a jerk on YatD anyway, so no real loss!
DANNY: Anyways, the trecherous situation outside has grown worse by the minute. We will now spend the next 24 hours covering the situation.
BEATRICE: As usual we will have extensive coverage of this event with live, on-field reporting.
DANNY: We’ll also consult our anti-climatic weatherman on the situation.
BEAT: and if we have time, we might even be able to show a heartwarming clip of someone adopting puppies!
DAN: Anyways, let’s recap the days developing catastrophe. At approximately 6:02.25.54.6, the first snow flake fell on a pit bull in southern Indiana, prompting the beginning of this outrageous day.
BEAT: We know this because we had a reporter there to tell us so on the morning show.
DAN: We’ve yet to hear back from the reporter since then, but ah well, such is the business. Within an hour, this slow moving front overtook the Tri-state area and dumped an inch of snow on the ground. It has been snowing ever since.
BEAT: Now I would like to personally be the first to reprimand my colleague for saying that snow was “dumped” on the area. We all know snow is white and fluffy like a poodle and you just don’t dump white and fluffy things like that.
DAN: Well then, Beatrice, what word would you use?
BEAT: Oh, I would just say it snowed a lot!
DAN: Anyways, we go now live to a cornfield in Kentucky where our top reporter, J.P. Schizo, is covering the action. J.P.
J.P.: Thank you, Dan. It is pretty rough out here right now. On the way to this field cars were sliding off the road, slamming into poles, trees, and other solid objects and on the whole it was just an atmosphere of chaos and mass pandemonium. The skies grew darker and more ominous as the minutes progressed, as if the judgment of God was being unleashed on the earth. Mothers were crying for their babies, National Guard troops were setting up sandbags around important buildings and monuments, stars were falling from the skies, and Walmart was flushed with mullet-covered people. Here in the field the situation is only graver. Cows are regurgitating their own cud as fuel for fires, farmers are arming themselves against imminent raids from desperate citizens, and kids are building snow forts the size of houses and then crashing into them with tractors. The horror of it all, Danny, is just too much to bear sometimes.
DAN: So, J.P., you would recommend that our viewers stay safe and sound indoors somewhere?
J.P.: Exactly, Danny. Better yet, maybe find a nice cave or monastary to hole-up in for the winter. It’s just not worth your life to go outside right now.
BEAT: Now, J.P., are you really in Kentucky? I mean, I didn’t know fields existed in Kentucky.
J.P.: I’m sorry, Beatrice, I’m not sure I understand your question.
BEAT: Well, did you know your name sounds like an insurance firm?
DAN: Anyways, thank you J.P. Schizo for that–it does sound like an insurance company…Anyways, we turn now for a quick update from Anna Merryweather, who is at a local Ohio grocer. Anna.
ANNA: Thank you, Danny. As you can see behind me, the shelves are bare. Absolutely nothing is left. Last night frenzied shoppers took to the aisles and cleared everything out. The only thing left here is cans and cans of sour kraut. Apparently that’s not a popular food item for winter storms.
DAN: Apparently. Now, Anna, are they going to restock everything? They’re open, obviously, so is it business as usual there?
ANNA: Absolutely Danny. The only problem is that as soon as the boxes are pulled out, people swarm out of nowhere like cockroaches and steal away the items.
BEAT: Hey Anna, Beatrice here. We wanna be precise, so do cockroaches really swarm?
*Before Anna can answer, the overhead PA announces something*
ANNA: Well, as you all just heard, the storage area was just raided by pirates, so it looks like this store is closing early.
DAN: Thank you, Anna. When we return, a forecast update with our anti-climatic weatherman.
BEAT: Stay tuned.
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*News music alerts you of the return of coverage.*
DAN: And we’re back as we track this deadly storm moving across the area.
BEAT: Now let’s turn to our anti-climatic meteorologist, Joe Brownbagger.
JOE (montoned and deadpanned): Hello. I want to begin by saying it’s not that bad out there. J.P.’s report, while interesting, was totally garnished. Yes, we have about 5 inches on the ground with more on the way, but if you stay home and don’t go out for a while, you’ll be fine.
DAN: So Joe, are you questioning the integrity of our ace reporter?
JOE: No, Danny, I’d just say he’s a little unstable.
BEAT: I’d agree.
DAN: Anyways, Joe, what is that front doing now?
JOE: The same thing it was doing an hour ago, Danny, dropping inches of nuisance snow and moving north by northeast up the Ohio River Valley.
DAN: Well, Joe, do you think it will perhaps pull a fast-one and split apart, leaving one section over the area keeping us trapped and helpless while the other half moves along wreaking havoc at every turn?
JOE: Danny, we’re dealing with a weather system here, not an army! Surprisingly these clouds don’t have a mind of their own. They’re just moving along their course dropping forms of crystalline water ice everywhere.
BEAT: They’re also full of white and fluffy things, like poodles!
DAN: Anyways, thank you, Joe, for living up to your anti-climatic title.–dramatic pause–when we return, we’ll take calls from petrified viewers on the atrocities taking place outside now.
BEAT: And we’ll have a clip of someone adopting cute and adorable puppies!
DAN: Sadly, since we have 23 hours to go, we probably will. More after this…