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“What was it I was dreaming for?
To beat the beast and win the girl?
Here I am caught in my war,
Falling down with my world in a whirl.”
Sometimes I look up from what I’m doing, gaze around and wonder if what I’m fighting for is worth it. To question motives and directions in life often sends my “world in a whirl.” As I wrestle with who I am in Christ and so what is expected of me and then examine how i’m doing, i have to blush. I’m not perfect most of the time..in fact, i’m usually missing the mark.
“Should all the fancies be mine to hold,
To spin around and twist and twirl,
Would I have ev’n a pound of gold,
Crashing down with my world in a whirl?”
Maybe if I had all I needed…every advantage per se, then, then, I would be able to right my ship. Then I would be who I want/need to be. The world would no longer spin out of control. Yet the Bible says, “His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness” (2 Peter 1:3).
“Snap out of it! Why be in chains?
Why plod in what makes my heart curl?
Forget all these hopeless pains.
Have joy with my world in a whirl.”
So I conclude I rest in alibis. I’ve built a house of cards out of them. If only I had this or that, him or her, was here or there…Yet everything I need in order to be the man God called me to be is already in my hand. What more do I need than Christ? What else is there? What difference does it make if I can see clearly or dimly? Why can’t I walk by faith and not by sight?
Are you confused? it’s okay. I guess the point is that it is easy to lose focus…to doubt your standing…to cave under guilt and pressure. But ultimately, all we need is already given. We must press on, carry on, till the work is all done…
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”- Galatians 6:9
Like this:
I want to begin by congratulating my bro and his fam as they welcome a brand-spanking new baby girl. Cigars all around! Now on to this post that I originally wrote on my other blog at http://schooltimemysteries.freewebspace.com ironically around the same time last year. It’s mostly in tact,save I modified it a little..Enjoy!
Have you ever seen friends or people you know just accelerate? You know, they “move up to the highrise” and you find yourself watching them rocket into the sky while you’re still chained to the ground,still finding your strength, still honing your craft? They get recognized,they develop quicker;but you remain in the shadows, frustrated and powerless to throw your chips in.
That’s kinda how i feel right now. or lately. I feel like I’m watching friends be exposed for their talents and they’re being recognized, but I’m…sitting in a dark room typing this pity-party blog post. Don’t get me wrong. I love my friends and I am gladder than anyone that they are getting recognized. My friends are talented and special and they deserve the exposure. I’m happy for them. But at the same time, I long for the same. I mean,in high school I was this renown songwriter,guitarist and storywriter. I was a creative genius of some sorts. Now I’m in college. I doubt half the students at Boyce know who I am.
Let me clarify: It’s not popularity I want. It’s the chance to let my talents run free and affect people again. I miss that. I guess it irks me a little when I see people playing music in public,or traveling at whim,or having their talent (whatever it be) exposed, or falling in love or whatever. I see these great things unfolding in their lives (and again,I’m happy for them),yet here I am slaving away at a Wendy’s,chained to custom and monotony,trapped on an island. Isolated. Alone.I guess I’m jealous that they’re probably more fulfilled than I am. Is this selfish? Should I simply pull the plug on this? I don’t think I can. This drives me. It forces me to sweat. Respect isn’t gained easily. It’s gained with weary bones and a broken back. Patience has been the key word in my life. I always have to wait longer than others. I know my moment will come, it’s just hard to wait for it to get here…
To update this thought a little more,I must admit that I am making some small progress. A song I’ve written, “Out the Door,” will be put on a CD in conjunction with that [cm]songwriter competition and I did just submit Plethora to a publisher. So I can’t be as complainy or whiny as I was in the original posting of this, but I guess my patience is wearing thin,hanging by a thread,and I’m getting jittery and anxious to see the future now.
“And sometimes working within me You open for me a door into a state of feeling which is quite unlike anything to which I am used–a kind of sweet delight which,if I could only remain permanently in that state, would be something not of this world,not of this life. But my sad weight makes me fall back again;I am swallowed up by normality;I am held fast and heavily do I weep,but heavily I am held. So much are we weighed down by the burden of custom! Here I have the power but not the wish to stay;there I wish to be but cannot;both ways, miserable.”-Augustine
This past weekend was better than most. I was able to spend it with 2 dear friends that I haven’t seen in a while and also see my home church down in Louisville which i also haven’t seen in a while. It was a good weekend, something I haven’t had in a while. Usually I’m just holed-up in my house for the weekend knocking out homework. It was refreshing to get a breath of fresh air.
But as I noted to my 2 aforementioned friends during a pleasure walk Sunday, while I feel I can be content with being either here or there, I am not satisfied. Here, I’m stuck in a cage of high school memories. I feel like i can’t grow. There I reel at “Boyce culture” and feel unsettled (not quite sure how to elaborate on that). Like Augustine, “both ways, miserable.”
Granted, that’s not what the Christian thinker is talking about. He’s alluding to a “mountaintop experience” (as we would term it) and how blissful it is compared to our meager earthly existence. I guess i had something of that this past weekend. Stretching my faith, being reminded of Christ’s sacrifice, having meaningful conversations with friends…and then back to work the day after. What cruelty! My heart “heavily weeps” to be with friends and yet I’m cornered in the local Wendy’s bending over a computer screen taking orders. “So much are we weighed down by the burden of custom!”
So in 2 ways I am “both ways,miserable.” What do i want you to do about it? nothing i suppose. I was just sharing thoughts. Maybe i’m just feeling worn and in need of a vacation. Maybe I should just go to bed now..
oh,don’t forget that songwriting competition: http://www.cmsongwriter.com/artist.php?id=89
Yes, I just used “ain’t” as a word in my title. Put that in your proverbial pipe and smoke it over a glass of chai latte tea buiscuits.
Right now it’s a little after midnight and Christmas Day 2009 is yawning awake to a glorious dawn…in a few hours (days enjoy hitting the snooze button as much as I do). Who knows, maybe at this moment 2000 years ago shepherds were skipping around a Christmas tree just before the angels showed up and scared the wits out of them. They then sheepishly (haha!get it?you don’t?just smile and nod..) made their way to a straw-ruffed barn/cave/thing where Baby Jesus was lying in His manger under the luminous glow of Mary’s halo (Joseph just had a staff)…and then I realize, Jesus wasn’t born in December! It was probably springtime! Boy, am I an idiot!
But I digress from the true point here. My real thought goes back to the fact that I’m up past midnight on Christmas day. Believe it or not, my parents beat me to bed, the stockings aren’t stuffed yet, Santa is a no-show, and there are clean dishes in the dishwarsher!
Maybe I’m growing up, but Christmas just doesn’t feel the same this season. I just don’t have the “holiday cheer” anymore. Not even all the Bing Crosby Christmas covers can ignite a spark in me. I’m not as excitable as I used to be. There’s no special “feeling” to it anymore. It’s simply become a day where I wake up, exchange presents and then float around the house (for me,the “Christmas miracle” is the ability to levitate).
I guess when I boil it down–when I boil the whole season down for that matter–it comes to a realization of the superficiality of this time of the year. This is the one time when most people are happy, giving, church-going, caring, kinding, etcing..and that’s great and all..but why can’t this last the whole year round? Why is that once the lights go down, the decorations disappear, and Santa goes on vacation that we have to return to “normalcy”? For the world, this superficiality is surprising,and yet expected. For Christians, it’s uncalled for. The Bible doesn’t say to have the “holiday spirit” only around Christmas, but to be “Spirit-filled” year round (see Ephesians 5:15-21 for an example). Chew on that while you chew on your honey-baked ham.
“But I’m all tied up on the inside, and no one knows quite what I’ve got. And I know that on the outside what I used to be I’m not…anymore.”-Don McLean
My 3rd semester of college is officially and finally over. It was a bumpy road to the end, but by God’s faithfulness I’ve survived. But now, as I launch into my second Thanksgiving/Christmas break of my college career, yet another hurdle awaits me on the horizon like the winter sun. I’ve decided that for my 4th semester of college I’ll stay at home and take online classes while trying to work more. It seems wise enough. I should save at least $2,000. There are plenty of opportunities..plenty of areas to grow and mature in..
But I keep thinking, am I crazy or stupid or both?? I’ve never been homeschooled in my life, can I expect to do it now? What are the chances of success with that? Although the dye has been cast, I can still reverse mostly everything. I can always change my mind and revert back to being on campus. But it all depends on how much i make over the break. I think alot of what tears me in this decision making is being away from my church in Louisville for so long and also living at home for so long again. Louisville is still fresh and exciting to me. But here, there are too many memories… good memories, and those are the hardest to run from.
“And now I’m at another crossroads and I don’t know which way to go. My steps are ordered and I know I’ll find the way when Your Word lights the path and I obey.”-Petra
