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I want to begin by congratulating my bro and his fam as they welcome a brand-spanking new baby girl. Cigars all around! Now on to this post that I originally wrote on my other blog at http://schooltimemysteries.freewebspace.com ironically around the same time last year. It’s mostly in tact,save I modified it a little..Enjoy!
Have you ever seen friends or people you know just accelerate? You know, they “move up to the highrise” and you find yourself watching them rocket into the sky while you’re still chained to the ground,still finding your strength, still honing your craft? They get recognized,they develop quicker;but you remain in the shadows, frustrated and powerless to throw your chips in.
That’s kinda how i feel right now. or lately. I feel like I’m watching friends be exposed for their talents and they’re being recognized, but I’m…sitting in a dark room typing this pity-party blog post. Don’t get me wrong. I love my friends and I am gladder than anyone that they are getting recognized. My friends are talented and special and they deserve the exposure. I’m happy for them. But at the same time, I long for the same. I mean,in high school I was this renown songwriter,guitarist and storywriter. I was a creative genius of some sorts. Now I’m in college. I doubt half the students at Boyce know who I am.
Let me clarify: It’s not popularity I want. It’s the chance to let my talents run free and affect people again. I miss that. I guess it irks me a little when I see people playing music in public,or traveling at whim,or having their talent (whatever it be) exposed, or falling in love or whatever. I see these great things unfolding in their lives (and again,I’m happy for them),yet here I am slaving away at a Wendy’s,chained to custom and monotony,trapped on an island. Isolated. Alone.I guess I’m jealous that they’re probably more fulfilled than I am. Is this selfish? Should I simply pull the plug on this? I don’t think I can. This drives me. It forces me to sweat. Respect isn’t gained easily. It’s gained with weary bones and a broken back. Patience has been the key word in my life. I always have to wait longer than others. I know my moment will come, it’s just hard to wait for it to get here…
To update this thought a little more,I must admit that I am making some small progress. A song I’ve written, “Out the Door,” will be put on a CD in conjunction with that [cm]songwriter competition and I did just submit Plethora to a publisher. So I can’t be as complainy or whiny as I was in the original posting of this, but I guess my patience is wearing thin,hanging by a thread,and I’m getting jittery and anxious to see the future now.
“And sometimes working within me You open for me a door into a state of feeling which is quite unlike anything to which I am used–a kind of sweet delight which,if I could only remain permanently in that state, would be something not of this world,not of this life. But my sad weight makes me fall back again;I am swallowed up by normality;I am held fast and heavily do I weep,but heavily I am held. So much are we weighed down by the burden of custom! Here I have the power but not the wish to stay;there I wish to be but cannot;both ways, miserable.”-Augustine
This past weekend was better than most. I was able to spend it with 2 dear friends that I haven’t seen in a while and also see my home church down in Louisville which i also haven’t seen in a while. It was a good weekend, something I haven’t had in a while. Usually I’m just holed-up in my house for the weekend knocking out homework. It was refreshing to get a breath of fresh air.
But as I noted to my 2 aforementioned friends during a pleasure walk Sunday, while I feel I can be content with being either here or there, I am not satisfied. Here, I’m stuck in a cage of high school memories. I feel like i can’t grow. There I reel at “Boyce culture” and feel unsettled (not quite sure how to elaborate on that). Like Augustine, “both ways, miserable.”
Granted, that’s not what the Christian thinker is talking about. He’s alluding to a “mountaintop experience” (as we would term it) and how blissful it is compared to our meager earthly existence. I guess i had something of that this past weekend. Stretching my faith, being reminded of Christ’s sacrifice, having meaningful conversations with friends…and then back to work the day after. What cruelty! My heart “heavily weeps” to be with friends and yet I’m cornered in the local Wendy’s bending over a computer screen taking orders. “So much are we weighed down by the burden of custom!”
So in 2 ways I am “both ways,miserable.” What do i want you to do about it? nothing i suppose. I was just sharing thoughts. Maybe i’m just feeling worn and in need of a vacation. Maybe I should just go to bed now..
oh,don’t forget that songwriting competition: http://www.cmsongwriter.com/artist.php?id=89
Name changes in the Bible typically represented a crucial turningpoint in a person’s life (like Abraham or Paul). Today, name changes usually signify a loss of sanity (like Chad Ochocinco). I’ve decided to change the name of this blog into something wittier and catchier…and it certainly falls into the latter category.
You see, most of my friends are Christians and are cool and postmodern and sophisticated and run blogs too. But their blog names are something significant like “Running to the Cross” or “Satan is a Nerd” or some Greek word no one in America today can pronounce. The name usually defines the blog and how it should be referred to or perceived or read…
I’ve obviously went against this notion and settled with “Huggbees!” Why? It’s from Freakazoid and it’s fun to say. No joke, I kept saying it below my breath as I spiffied this page up. Go ahead and say it…”Huggggbeeessss!!” It’s great fun for you and your family! So what does the name signify? Nothing…absolutely nothing. I realize this may seem nihilistic and postmodern, but it’s really just a funny name and I like it and this is my blog so I can cry if I want to..and you can go suck a lemon if you’re so upset!
I also changed the theme..I wanted something more “fun” for the Huggbees! (Huggggbeeeeeess!!) title and this was the best I could find…okay there were others, but flowers were in the design somewhere and i just won’t tolerate that.
In unrelated news (in case you’re still reading)..I’m in a songwriting competition and in desperate need of votes. So if you could pop on over to that site and register to vote, I’d love you til the day you die.Thanks!
“I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends.” -Walt Whitman
Well,that song competition I shamelessly plugged for last month is now over and I believe I’ve won (haven’t heard anything official from the people yet,but you would assume being 110 points ahead as clinching it). This is probably the first thing I’ve ever won. I’ve entered so many competitions before and only came out with “honorable mentions” or something like that..which is a sugary way of saying “thanks for giving us money, but you lose.” But this is indeed a first and I am quite happy.
But did I win on my own? Hardly. What propelled me to the top was my friends and family. Some were willing and eager to see me succeed, some were eager but didn’t want to take a minute to register or sign in everyday to cast a vote..I still love you. I ended the competition with 272 votes and over 1800 page views, both far outdoing the next place person. Now the page views I probably contributed to since I checked it so often, but the votes were wholly on the part of my friends and family.
As I mentioned in my “Shameless Plug” post,let me reitterate that I am so thankful for my friends and family for the support they’ve given me over this. I find that it is these two pillars plus God as the strongest, that “carry a man.” I have been blessed with a host of friends whom I am very grateful for. Without you all, I would only be a lonely boy sitting on a laptop writing blogs that no one read…thanks to you, I’m only partially that.
